Taciturn

So, Araam and I chose Pablo Neruda as one of our poets for our project in English. Barely anyone else did because they hadn't read any of his poems. I mean, hey, not to say that I HAD; I just had more faith in a Latin-sounding name than everyone else, it would appear.

Stereotypes exist because there's a hint of truth in each. I had a feeling, based on the Latin stereotype, of what I was volunteering for.

And I was pretty close in my inference. Romantic Chilean poetry. Bingo. Or, at least, it's better than reading Tennyson (good grief).

But anyway. I was reading one of the poems, the other day in class, and Araam was researching some stuff (essentially, we were both in our very different "zones," which works really well for us), when I saw this word. "Taciturn." And since he was at the computer, I simply asked Araam to look it up for me. He brought up a definition and pointed to it.

"I can't see that." He laughed and made the font bigger. "Okay."

It said something like, "uncommunicative, reserved in speech, silent," so I said, "Oh, so it's like me."

"Yeah, basically."

"Okay."

And that was that.

Except, I'm always unsure of how I come off, because my tendency leans towards NOT emoting. I don't know why, it just isn't natural for me to laugh, frown, et cetera except in extreme situations. In that way, I guess I'm kind of siding with the Blank Slate Theory, because, yes, it does feel like my emotions are very taught. So reserved and uncommunicative...yeah, THAT sounds like it would fit, simply because I'm not really a talking person (except on here, obviously, and that's only when I have something to say).

I like to observe.

Op, and yeah, my birthday was Friday. It was not awesome at all. Steigen has offered me a birthday redo, and I think I might take it.

Here's to being young and wistful, so that birthday redoes sound legitimate, and we all race to "discover" ourselves first.

Who am I?

WHO CARES?

You're alive, you react to stuff a certain way, and you behave a certain way. There you are, now shut up.

Simple.

All right, this is my thought:

If you want to complain about IB and talk about how terrible it is, drop out.

Otherwise, shut it and enjoy the free education while you can.

Wings

Christmas usually sucks at my house. I get all excited, around this time of year, and tell myself, THIS TIME IT WILL BE DIFFERENT. That's all I think about. And then it gets there, and it's crap-pay.
Idealism isn't privledged kids' sheltered mindsets.
It's their hope and lacking.
At least, that's what I've seen in a lot of the idealist kids.

--But hey, I'm a bit pessimistic at the moment, anyway. This school year has really kind of taken a beating. I still look forward to school, though, and seeing my friends. I've been basically living on schoolwork, water, and hand-holding for the past few months. Sometimes less than that.
Sometimes a lot less.
So it's been weird, but everyone has something happen that is testing. It's how you come out of it that matters, I guess. Even though it sucks, it's worth something. It's just hard to see that little message while it's happening. My mom's mom died, Halloween morning, and she's still kind of reeling from it. It doesn't show very often, but when it does it just really sucks. I know I need to be there for her, but it would just be nice if someone else was, too. My dad is, to an extent, but they're separated. So. "To an extent."
I'm just a stupid kid!
Don't make me act like an adult!
I can't! (I can.) ...I don't wanna!
This is the problem with the United States! We recognize the period of life called adolescence, and part of the issue with this is that we are in between adulthood and childhood! This creates confusion pertaining to roles! Society, look what you've done! I am confused, pertaining to my role!
I'm not oblivious like a child, nor am I equipped to handle this like an adult.
Or, I'm equipped...but it seems inappropriate. Wrong. Weird.

And so I sigh.

Otherwise...college applications, SATs, punching bags, laundry, two-quart bottles of water, fingers intertwining, parking spot wars, and reconciliation.
We all die.
We do. I'm sorry to have to tell you.
We really do all die.
Someday, in that case, I'm going to die.
And when that happens, I want the people who knew me to celebrate the life I had, with tons of stories.
But, more so, I would like my last breath to be a sigh of contentment.

:]

Unseeing

All right, get this:

We have to take out my dog's eye.

Ee, that's so eerie. To have something when you're born and to die without it. Something as major as an eye...

I mean, in the grand scheme of things, an eye is not such a large deal. It's something you can live without, unlike a brain or both lungs. But it still seems very foreign.

Hmmmm...

I should be asleep.

Cognition.

My Hip Jam of the Moment has supposedly been the only hip jam in a year. I'm trying to figure out which account I have this song on SO I CAN DESTROY IT.


So, lately there's been a lot of talk about gender roles in my life. Psychology class started it off, and then I watched something on Nat Geo (that's National Geographic, and this is the only time I'm going to clarify that), tonight, that reinforced some stuff I've been thinking about.

Gender kind of seems similar to sexuality, to me, in that there is no simple black and white. It's more comparable, in my opinion, to a rainbow. Colors don't start and stop like I tend to draw them (I like rainbows; I am not broadcasting my support for gay pride, even though I love the idea of different sexualities. Rainbows are just cool). They mesh together. One color blends easily into the next, and so on. Red and yellow, to put it simply, makes orange.

So, it's confirmed some stuff I've been confused about with myself. It seems like I'm more masculine than a lot of the girls I know, and I'm not sure if that's maturity, or actual masculinity. It's funny how I confuse the two. I'm not saying that I feel like I'm "in the wrong body," or anything extreme like that. I'm just saying that it seems like I enjoy things that the male gender role would more so support.

I don't know. I don't feel like anything is really off. I just think that maybe the womb I spent nine months in had a slightly higher amount of testosterone in it, compared to the norm.

That's all.

No big deal.

It just had me thinking.

Tango Romeo Yankee India November Golf

You know, I say every year that I'm going to do well in school and try harder, but then I get bogged down and feel like doing absolutely nothing.

I NEED to change whatever I'm doing wrong and keep that original mindset involved in my daily life.

Exercise, homework, minimal computer-ing (says the nerd writing a blog)!

It might have something to do with the fact that the school is so dark, and lower daily sunlight exposure causes me to slide into my Winter Blues. They say "you" don't feel like doing much when you're depressed--
They're right.

Maybe fluorescent lights can fool plants into growing, but they can't fool me! Uh, go self!

Either way.

Kierra's birthday was this weekend. She's been my very best friend for YEARS, now, and I can't imagine my life without her in it. People say they're best friends forever and then end up going to different colleges and forgetting about each other. That ain't us. :| She and I are bonded by our high passion and reciprocal (platonic) love, and that's all there is to it. We're willing to be honest with one another and to work to maintain this friendship, despite the distance. It's easy for us, I guess, because I used to only see her once every couple months (if I was lucky). She didn't have instant messenger, she didn't have texting, and she wasn't allowed to call except for a certain time. We spoke mostly by notes, and even that was taken away from us, after a while.

And it was rough, but worth it.

So I figure, if she and I can figure that out, adulthood won't be so terribly problematic. We'll have to worry about family, yeah, but we'll have our own phones, our own computers, our own residences. We'll have more than we started with, you know?


Anyway.

She and I were able to hang out, yesterday, for a few hours. It definitely made the top ten for Best Day Ever, if not top five. To be able to hang out with her on her eighteenth birthday? Total honor. Completely. :]

Now I'm off to plan this whole Halloween thing. Steigen and I are hoping to throw another party like last year, but this time we're going to send out invites early. Whee!

Bottle Blonde

Honestly, I just forgot about this blog entirely.

I think the quality in some that bothers me the most is the fear of confrontation. Those who can't talk to me about an issue have a better chance of lying to get around it, or even avoiding me.

Neither of these are cool things to do to another person.

So, that's where I am, right now. Trying to trust a few people, but it's not working.


Oh, and in regards to that last entry:
I never received that leap of faith. And I'm pretty glad that I didn't.